Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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