I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
