Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
