she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
