I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
