you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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