Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
