she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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