dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
