Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
