dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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