he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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