My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
