Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
