dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
