Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
