you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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