but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize