Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
