I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize