So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
