Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
