why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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