i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
