and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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