toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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