you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
