just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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