someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
