why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
