It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
