Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
