If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
