It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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