i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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