Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
