My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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