Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
