I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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