I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
