It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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