I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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