I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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