my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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