I want to have your abortion
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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