And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
