Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
