OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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