I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
