remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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