I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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