dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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