you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
