thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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