I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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